Times are tough for public universities. Over the past quarter-century, state legislatures have slashed college budgets, and these cuts have only accelerated during a seemingly endless economic meltdown. We have been told to do more with less, make sacrifices, and be self-sufficient—and I couldn’t agree more. Unlike those socialists lining up to mainline milk from the nanny state, many of us favor fiscally sound solutions. We should teach our children well by following dogmatically free-market principles that reject government meddling. My modest proposal is multipronged and forward-thinking. It would hand over all aspects of academic life to private companies, creating a university system that is more efficient, even profitable. In reimagining how higher education can be rebooted, we must ask ourselves, “What would a liberal arts education look like if McDonald’s funded it?” Killing many birds with one lethal stone, we can simultaneously solve the problems of overstuffed budgets, overpaid professors, and—as an added, unexpected bonus—plagiarism. Let me explain.